Your competition isn’t other people. Your competition is you.
The need to compare yourself to others.
The need to get things right all the time.
The need to be liked.
I mean, we all do it. With extreme capability! For virtually all of us, it’s human nature.
We’re programmed not to stick out. Sticking out used to mean being cast out of the tribe. And being cast out of the tribe, meant a closed cave door and no dinner.
Dropping these needs is one of the hardest things we can do in business and in life. Yet addressing them is one of the single most rewarding things for our growth.
Even if it only means a 10% improvement in our existence (or 11.5% for those of us who suffer from more acute perfectionism and desire to measure progress in obtuse and unnecessary ways), taking action can have an outsized impact on our long-term performance and perspective - and happiness.
***
If you’re reading this on the Sunday it was sent and you’re not hungover, you might be in a more relaxed state of mind, even if the week ahead is starting to gnaw at you a little. Either way, it’s times like these that offer us a moment to reflect. To take a beat and ponder.
According to the accepted wisdom of death dulas (yep, people who comfort the dying in their last few days and hours), the No.1 regret of the dying is the following -
“I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me”.
Blimey. Quite a Jolt.
What strikes me about these words the most, is one word: courage.
Not comparing yourself to where others are in life, takes courage, especially on LinkedIn, where everyone else’s career appears to be going so remarkably, so humbly, so well.
Not trying to get things right all the time, takes courage, especially if you’re in a culture that consciously or unconsciously punishes failure with a not so subtle nod and wink.
And not needing to be liked, takes courage, especially if you’re uncertain or unsupported in your role, or suffer from any form of performance anxiety or imposter syndrome.
These things can’t be cured by a magic wand. But they can be chipped away, so that over time, they’re slowly diminished to an occasional annoyance.
So here’s a tip.
This week, pick one of the needs above: the need to compare yourself to others, the need to be perfect, or to be liked - and counter them, just a little, with a positive nudge in the opposite direction.
No matter how small. And no matter how uncomfortable it makes you feel.
Let me give you an example.
Last week, I had to have a very tough conversation with someone. It was not going to make me liked and it certainly had no perfect script to follow. In my head, it was going to end up a blancmange of awkwardness. Burying my head in the sand of avoidance was appealing.
An hour before we were due to meet, the person I was meeting with wanted to reschedule to later in the week.
In the back of my mind, I celebrated with a tiny sigh of relief. I could boot the conversation a few more days. Kick the can down the road, gone off to lunch instead and avoid the conflict.
Mañana is a wonderful thing.
I didn’t.
I sent them a note back saying, sorry, I need to talk to them in an hour as agreed.
***
That note might sound like a small win. Even inconsequential.
But it was turning round this moment and not letting my mind get the better of me, that allowed me to live true to what I needed to say.