I want to get this out the way first so we can all feel a little better: everybody sabotages themselves at some point.
Self-sabotage is something we do that is completely out of step with what we know we are capable of, but we do it because we believe we need to fit into a pre-determined agenda written by others, or we’re guided by an inaccurate self-belief.
At work, it’s rooted in fear: if I am successful in this moment, I’ll be in the spotlight, expectations will grow, pressure will grow and I’ll be found out and fail. Worse still, if I fail at the start, I’ll prove what I already know; I’m not qualified enough.
Either way, we tell ourselves, if I stop here, I’ll be safe and protected.
Sabotage and impostor syndrome are bedfellows of the most insidious order. They distort how we see the world, and make us feel less effective in the things we know we could be and should be doing.
And the worst part of it all is that you and you alone are the sole perpetrator.
Oh lord! Let’s fix this beast.
WINK: You’re Not Alone.
I could post hundreds of these confessions, from CEOs, actors, athletes, and writers. You don’t need to be famous to feel it, but it helps to know that even those at the top of their game sometimes feel they deserve to be at the bottom. How wrong our minds can be!
NUDGE: Know The Signs
Feeling unqualified for something is ubiquitous. Virtually everyone I’ve ever met has a deep seated fear that they’re actually a bit crap and are going to be unveiled as a naked fraud. Most of us simply do a good job of covering it up.
It’s far more prevalent the more ambitious you are. Ironically, it disproportionately affects high-achieving people who find it difficult to accept their accomplishments.
Sound familiar?
These feelings, when unchecked, can manifest as back-stabbing self-talk: for example “I just got some negative feedback from my boss: I knew I was not up for this”, or they show up as trash talk from our own gossip engine, like “How the hell did they get promoted and not me?”.
The challenge with this dialogue is it causes us to withdraw from pushing ourselves next time, because we use it as proof we’re not worthy for the task.
This can become a death-spiral that you have to stop, because, when practiced over time, it becomes a habit. That’s why this nudge is about recognizing it when it appears. Because stop it, you can.
JOLT: Kill The Saboteur.
I spoke to our resident psychotherapist and coach for some tools to prevent self-sabotage. It ended up lasting a few weeks and nights out over drinks 😂.
As soon as these kinds of negative-worth thoughts pop into your head, a powerful course of action is to talk to a confidant who can help you see it for how it really is, not how you think it is. Talk it through and bounce ideas.
For example, the reason that person was promoted has zero reflection on you. You have nothing to do with it. If you were both in the running for the job, then the question to ask is the reason why you were not selected and what skills you can build on. Those are intelligent questions to get answers you can grow from. That’s not sabotage, that’s growth.
The reason for the feedback from your boss, for example, has no hold or weight on your future abilities on this or any other task. Your boss may also be entirely wrong in their assumption and diagnosis. Maybe they had a rough day? Maybe they have the wrong information?
We rarely believe in other peoples fallibility. Just our own! And we rarely let these kinds of counter thoughts in, because we’ve already told ourself the story we want to hear. Find someone else to get a different side of the events.
Accordingly to Psychology today, another powerful way to confront self-sabotage comes from facing it direct and in the moment, and using it to change a behavior.
For example, you’re at a meeting and your boss praises you, but you play it down and don’t really accept it because you didn’t feel it was anything special. As you leave the meeting, you kick yourself for not taking the opportunity to accept the compliment and build on it.
In this case, you now have a trigger to remember; that you want to change how you accept praise from authority. When the trigger next comes up, you know now to take the alternative route; which could be to accept it with confidence, thank your boss for the praise - and tell them that you’re happy to get involved next time. You just un-sabotaged yourself.
Finally, I’ll leave you with a perspective from Natasha Rothwell, American writer, author, actress and comedian.
She has a beautifully powerful way of talking about her value and ensuring she never sabotages her self-worth. It’s rooted in what she knows she can do, not what other people say she can do.
She inspired me to work on my own statement. It’ll come in handy the next time I try to shoot myself in the foot.
With love and value,
The Jolt.